I know I haven't updated in a while.. but I'm hoping if I write down some things here, that I'll be able to put things into perspective. As the Civil Rights Manager, part of my job is to protect the employees' rights.. makes sense. Back in October, we were told that there would be a restructuring of the organization and that about a thousand jobs would be lost. In doing the math, there are currently about 8500 employees, there are 9 districts plus central office; that means at least 100 people from each district.

As I said, we have known this was coming for a few months... but lots of people kept wandering around with the thought that, 'this has happened before, we went through tough times, I'll be fine'.. and they got a very rude awakening on Thursday when the commissioner came to town to disabuse them of the notion. We (the civil rights division) were originally told that we were 'safe' for now... but, we've just been told that every division is on the table for cuts. I understand that to cut all other divisions except ours would be unfair.. however, I have been doing 2 peoples' jobs for the past 18 months now.. you'd think that was cut enough.

I also believe (although I haven't spelled it out completely to him because as part of my duties, I am privy to confidential information that cannot be shared outside my office... and I hate myself that I have to do it, and that I do it) that my husband may be one of the first to go. If we don't have the money to do 'new construction' and only concentrate on maintenance of roadways, then no one's property will be taken, which means there is no need for appraisers. My biggest frustration is that we literally turned our lives upside down three years ago, made my daughter endure some pretty terrible crap at her new high school, and just generally had to adjust to an entirely different culture. And now we may both lose our jobs in the next few months. I also know that there are many people who have been there for 30 years, who will also lose their jobs.. we are not alone, our story is just one of a thousand.

But for my husband, if you look at production of work, he has clearly out-performed any other appraiser in the State x 4. Really, he did 40 appraisals last year, some appraisers only did 10... and yet, the dead weight stays, and my husband will go, because we work for a state agency and 'years of service' is all they look at. Don't you think the taxpayers (who pay our salary) should get the most bang for their buck? but no... keep the state-agency lifers... the slackers... *shakes head*

But then we come to the genuine crux of the problem for me, personally... *I* have to be the one to be sympathetic, listen to others' concerns... help management do the dirty deed, and then have it done to me.. and somewhere in the early morning hours on Friday, my brain had a mini-breakdown of sorts... uncontrollable sobbing for a few hours... I had taken a personal day, because I knew that we would be on restricted leave starting next week.. mostly to be there for employees to cry to... but, who can I cry to? who can I tell that I'm not emotionally capable of being as strong as they need me to be? I hate them for this... I hate them for screwing us, for screwing other employees, for screwing MY family.

How does a state transportation agency run out of money? Let me just explain it quickly... we are not funded by the state general fund, prepared by the governor (like other state agencies); our money comes from very targeted sources ~ the federal government, gas tax and new car sales tax. So, feds are running out of money... for over a year, gas prices were ridiculous and not much gas was sold, and people aren't buying new cars, for obvious reasons. The people in this state do NOT know how lucky they have it.. any time someone tries to put in a toll booth, or raise a tax, it's considered political suicide and they don't do it... 10% of goods sold in the US travel the I-81 route through the state and yet, we charge no tolls... our gas is the lowest of the US because they won't raise the tax a penny over what it was 20 years ago... they knew this was coming, they knew it was happening, and yet no one did anything to try to get funding from other sources... so, let's wait until their street doesn't get plowed, or a pot hole doesn't get fixed.. and then all of a sudden, someone will say... ooh, maybe we should raise the taxes a tiny bit, so we get our services back...

And work related? How do you motivate people to work if they don't know if it will be their job next month? And then of course, there is the piranha-fest happening... call your co-worker into Fraud, Abuse hotline so they get fired instead of you getting laid off? it's getting ugly.. and I just... I don't do well with this crap... it.. hurts... and I hate it.

Anyway, my husband and I both know that we are marketable people. The reality of the situation and what we've already put ourselves through proves that we are able to pick up and go somewhere else, if needed. Do we flee now or wait until they force us to flee? We just don't know... my husband has been looking through monster.com, seeing what's out there... and it won't happen overnight.. but, it's the reality that we need to do *something*... I would like to leave before they make me look into peoples' eyes and tell them they no longer have a job... *headdesk*

just talking about it makes me sick to my stomach and I've chugged the last of the pepto-bismol... I plan on using today to do whatever I want and try to forget how badly this week will suck... the news should be going out to everyone on Wednesday about who is going in the first wave... it may be me, it may be him, it may be both...frankly, I would rather it be me than him...

thank you for listening :)

a. Go to Google
b. Type your name and the words "likes to" all in quotation marks. (e.g. "Stephen likes to")
c. Report back on the first ten things that come up for your name.



1. Because Tammy Likes to Put a Name with a Face.

2. At this time Tammy likes to meet with pre school children so she can build a rapport with them.

3. Tammy likes to be picked up but not for long periods of time, she is not the best cuddler, a little bit independent, but very charming!!! (sounds like a dog...)

4. Tammy likes to think of Fine Lines Fitness as a "Cheers,"

5. Tammy likes to say that "No two dogs or owners are alike.”

6. In her free time Tammy likes to read, visit family, camp and swim.

7. Tammy likes to spend her free time with her family and friends and her pets.

8. It's a good thing Tammy likes to sand.

9. On her spare time, Tammy likes to hang out with her best friend who lives two houses away.

10.Tammy likes to read "Better Homes and Gardens", decorate/remodel their home, and spend quality time with her friends.

Using my new blackberry!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

What Be Your Nerd Type? Your Result: Literature Nerd   Does sitting by a nice cozy fire, with a cup of hot tea/chocolate, and a book you can read for hours even when your eyes grow red and dry and you look sort of scary sitting there with your insomniac appearance? Then you fit this category perfectly! You love the power of the written word and it's eloquence; and you may like to read/write poetry or novels. You contribute to the smart people of today's society, however you can probably be overly-critical of works. It's okay. I understand.
Drama Nerd
Science/Math Nerd
Gamer/Computer Nerd
Social Nerd
Anime Nerd
Artistic Nerd
Musician
What Be Your Nerd Type? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

Interesting

1. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother's and father's middle names)

Marie Bertram

2. NASCAR NAME: (first name of your mother's dad, father's dad)

James Allen

3. STAR WARS NAME: (the first 2 letters of your last name, first 4 letters of your first name)

Matamm

4. DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)

Orange Pig

5. SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you live)

Marie Staunton

6. SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd favorite color, favorite alcoholic drink, optionally add "THE" to the beginning)

The Brown Tequila Rose

7. FLY NAME: (first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name)

Tali

8. GANGSTA NAME: (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite cookie)

Chunky Monkey Thumbprint

9. ROCK STAR NAME: (current pet's name, current street name)

Callie Lyle

10. PORN NAME: (1st pet, street you grew up on)

Cookie Wabash

I swear I'm going to update this thing soon.. we're off work Tuesday, due to Veteran's Day, so.. I swear... updating.. but meanwhile...

I did this meme I found at ctofine's journal... a while ago, but still, I liked it :)

( Memeness )

Child/Childrens age?
Girl, 18 years old
Boy, 11 years old

Name at Birth?
Angelina Marie
Rick Carlson

Time of birth?
7:52am
9:03am

How long did labor last?
Girl - 14 hours
Boy - 7 hours

Who was in the room when baby was born?
Husband and various doctors/nurses (both times)

How long did you push?
Girl - 3 hours
Boy - 20 minutes

Baby's birth weight?
Girl - 8lb 3 oz
Boy - 8lb

Any hair?
Both had dark hair.. not lots, just.. some

Who does baby look like?
Both looked like me as babies

Be honest...how much weight did you gain while pregnant?
47 pounds with the girl and about 35 with the boy

Was baby early or late?
Girl was 3 days late and boy was 1 day early

Who drove you home from the hospital?
Husband

Did you have a baby shower?
Yes, given by my mom and sister for the girl.. and a surprise shower given by husband's friend's wives for the boy

When did baby start sleeping through the night?
The girl slept from 11pm to 7am from the 2nd night we brought her home.. I tend to think I was just exhausted and didn't wake up to her screaming *g* but, she's always been an excellent sleeper.. (still is). The boy woke every 4-6 hours for the first 6 weeks or so.. I thought I'd never get real sleep again.

Did you breastfeed?
No.

Who keeps your baby the most?
Well, my friend kept the girl until she was nine months.. then my cousin had her for 2 years.. and then daycare. I was home with the boy for 2 years and then he went to daycare.

How did you pick the name?
The girl.. we just agreed... his Aunt Josephine had just passed away and it was between that and Angelina.. for the boy, well, that was completely my fault.. after all the pregnancy problems, I was so excited that everything was okay at my 5th month sonogram that I told the husband that if it was a boy, he could name him :/

How did you know when it was time to go to hospital?
With my daughter, we just went as soon as I realized I was in labor (stupid move). For my son, I waited until the last minute.. and then forgot to call the doctor... when she finally showed up, she was yelling at me for not calling her! And he was born 20 minutes later.

Did you go home or somewhere else when you left the hospital?
Home.

Anyone spend the night with you first night home?
No.

Did you cry the first time you held your baby?
No, I don't think so.. either time.

Who cut the cord?
The doctor

Where was the baby born?
Girl - Kenmore Mercy Hospital
Boy - Millard Fillmore Hospital

Did you video tape the birth?
Ick, no.

Are you happy with how things turned out?
Of course.

Any more?
*snort* No. Baby store closed for business.

I do have bits of fun mixed into whatever I'm doing. We went to our County Fair yesterday.. it was almost sad, in size.. but, I got some funnel cake so I was happy *g* I like to see the homemade jewelry and other crafty things. And it was nice just to get out. It's been so blasted hot that we generally come home from work and hide in the AC'd house. I'll admit it, I'm a northerner, I'm wilting from the heat and humidity. But, last night was really mild and had a great breeze, so it was nice to hang out and just be outside.

Work has been very busy.. with my clerical helper gone, I did have a point this week that I thought if someone actually *asks* me how I'm doing, I might have a mini-breakdown.. but, luckily (or sadly), no one asks and no one really cares.. as long as the work is getting done.. which at this point, it's getting done, it's just a bit late *G* The husband is aggressively looking for something else, and it might happen in the next month or two that he gets another job.. which would be humorous.. I mean, we used to always be... 'have to stay here, have to be loyal'... now, after moving once and seeing the benefits (monetary, if not anything else), we're saying 'okay, they'll offer more money? they're 2 hours away? Sure, we'll move again, no problem!'... Our general attitude has changed, not the rest of the world :) But we feel confident that we *could* do it again if we wanted to... the problem is the children (damn those pesky kids!)... but, my daughter is now enrolled in a local community college, so they have no dorms... and my son likes the friends he's made thus far... do we rip them away from it again? We don't know! We're willing to figure it out, though.

They have allowed me to advertise for the clerical position.. and as all things go.. it's become comical... one of the big managers' daughter has applied.. the girl has a 4 year degree in Sociology.. why would she want a middle-of-the-road secretarial position? And she told me she's sent out over 70 resumes and only got a couple interviews.. that says, I don't want her, to me... friends of work friends are applying, and I get these phone calls telling me that their friends are applying... SO against policy.. I can't take ANY of it into consideration.. it's the added extra pressure that I have to catch crap if I don't hire boss-lady's daughter, or friends' friends... *shrug*

Other than that, things are going okay... for the update, I still haven't talked to my sister.. I did send her an email, asking for ideas for her daughter's birthday... I didn't ask how she was, etc., just a plain, please forward ideas... I'm not going to make a big deal about *not* contacting her if I need something, but, I'm definitely not going to be my usual happy self *G* She may not answer the email, in which case I'll have to ask other family members if they got lists.. .*grumble* oh well, my husband and I were thinking of not going up there for Christmas at all this year.. taking the kids to Disney World and that would be their Christmas present.. they've never been there and I think it would be fun!

Alrighty, time to eat french toast and bacon for breaking my fast. Hope everyone is well *waves*

So, the husband has been agitated with work lately. I mean, he loved loved loved it the first year.. now, I'm settled, I'm there, we're both making good money.. and here we go again... he's not happy, they're not treating him right.. it's *exactly* what happened last time. The only thing I've said was... you have limited choices, buddy... I'm not moving across the US..

When I started working for the State and would make my comments about how completely annoying it is to deal with the red tape of it all... he kept patronizing me... saying "that's the way it is.. just get used to it, roll with the flow.. in 20 years, we can retire"... so, I'm sort of confused on why all of a sudden, he decides he can't take it anymore! I was really agitated when I started and now I'm getting a bit used to it.

Technically, I don't honestly care.. I like my job and yet, again, I've put myself back into a situation that I'm generally stressed out every day because there is SO much to do, and I've only been there a year, I don't know everything.. and the clerical person I hired 9 months ago? Leaving. Her husband got a job in northern VA, so Thursday is her last day... here I am doing 3 peoples' jobs again...

I'm not that upset about any of this.. I've taken the Zen posture of... whatever, man. If he gets another job somewhere else, then we'll go there.. if I want to get a different job, I'll get one.. I'm more amused that all of a sudden he's so adamant *shrug*

On a random other note, it's been blasted hot! The northerner in me is wilting, to say the least, but, we have AC in the house, so I'm good :D

Wow, I've almost finished copying all of my icons from my old journal for this one... I just have to figure out how to get my old mood theme.. although, making a new start might indicate I should find a new theme, also.

My daughter has graduated from high school and just had her 18th birthday. We've been trying to find a weekend to go up to Buffalo to celebrate the events. It was difficult because we had to be careful of how much vacation time we use from work... people in Buffalo wanted me to do it at the end of July, as we're having a family reunion for my mother's side of the family. However, I don't think my daughter should have to wait since June 7th for a graduation party and also wait a month to celebrate her birthday. Add that with the vacation time for work and.. this past weekend made the most sense. Well, my sister and her family go away every year for the fourth of July. I don't think it's my problem, really... SHE plans her vacations around holidays and so do WE. But, nevertheless, she was mad at me... she's not admitting she's mad, she just refuses to call or email me back... so mature. I've seen her do it to other people, but, never thought the bitch stick would point at me.

Regardless, I'm not going to beg someone's forgiveness for doing what's best for MY family when that's exactly what she does. *shrug* she'll get over it and if she doesn't... well, it's one of the reasons we don't live up there anymore.. I'm tired of the immature bullshit.. there are so many things that are more important than nitpicking a situation to death and I refuse to play that game.

And now my older brother (the one that craps money), wants me to come up for the reunion.. I explained to him that we were just up for Memorial Day and now this weekend.. and gas was like $200 for the round trip... and he says he'll pay the gas, he just wants me to come; which is nice, but, I really don't want to spend 16 more hours on the road.. or use more vacation time.. so, people will be mad at me for that. I'm not inclined to go back up there until Christmas, to be honest.. the stress they create is unhealthy and unnecessary.

I'm going to just concentrate on my job and my immediate little family and let the other stuff handle itself. On the work front, things are okay.. busy and still a bit scary with the things I'm supposed to know how to do (which I don't really know yet, but have been reading a LOT).

This is new. I have a hard time with change.

No icons or themes yet.. I have to find them..